I woke up early today doing the things you would have done if you were here. I tried so pathetically to imitate your morning routine. Washing the dishes, cleaning the backyard and feeding the dogs.

While I was washing the dishes, there was a small mouse which jumped in the basin full of dishwashing bubbles. Normally, I would have scream and called you to get the mouse out of the water but today, I stayed quiet and let the mouse jumped out of the basin on its own.

There’s just so many things that reminds me of you Pa. But mostly, they were fragments of what I said to you that hurts the most. But I know that you know that that’s just the way I express my love for you. But then again, I don’t want to justify those things.

I just can’t forgive myself for not doing enough for you 😭 There are so many things I wish I did differently!

Today we did a lot of things. My sister bathed the dogs because they’ve never received any since 3 weeks ago. I made shakes and juiced the ripen dalandan and calamansi. But every now and then, thoughts of you keep us from what we’re doing. Those little things that reminds us of you. I wish we could go back and redo things we did in the past. Could you be saved?

We love you so much Pa!

I’ve always imagined you by my side when I get married and have my own children someday. I’ve always have this vision of you with my future child. You two were playing and you as the doting grandpa, it would have been heaven for my child.

October 6, 2021 started unlike any other days before. At 7 am you were declared dead. Your death took us by surprise. With guilt and regrets, I look back. How will I face the rest of my life without a father. How will I face the world without you by my side.

The impact of your death resonates. I didn’t even get to see you on your last moments in this world. My father, how I regret some things and how blessed I was to be your first-born child.